Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in America

ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.

Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

medusa but her hair is an anaconda

My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.

My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster

Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.

*finds a sock behind the washing machine*

*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*

I only say stupid things when I talk.

i’d rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer

3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.

Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.

I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

House for sale. Spider on ceiling.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.

Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?

Brat summer over. Time for Farfalle Fall.

I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.