Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mugger: how much you got

me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*

ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5

me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas

my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means

GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.

*12 hours later*

GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

Ever look at your coworker and wonder “how are they still giving you a paycheck”?

Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?

[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.

I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️

Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead

Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.

Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?

Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES

Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.

Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first

I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.

Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.

Health and fitness is really important to me

Dips the French fry in the mashed potatoes

Me: Should we watch WandaVision?

Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it

3: *draws a rune on the wall*

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Him: whatcha doing over there?

Me: playing on my phone

Him: oh yeah? What game?

Me: my favorite game

Him: which one is that?

Me: …Amazon

*Whispers in random chicks ear

“I have pizza in the van”

and that’s why I’m fat🤭

Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.

I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound

So many cheeses would work as baby names:

Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat

Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.

[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.