Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.

*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER

“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

My 8yo told me she wants me to live forever which was sweet until I told her I’d run out of money and she replied “ok nevermind”.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.

Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!

Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.

5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?

Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.

Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?

If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby

I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.

Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.

What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?

Payday

Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time

[army training]

Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed

[me flirting]

Cute guy: hey how’s it goin

Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES

Cute guy:

Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM

Cute guy: *backing away*

Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.

For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?

Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.

Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday

7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content

-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter

him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.

Me: Waiter, there’s a fly in my primordial soup.

Waiter: Sorry, sir. I’ll ask him to evolve into something more pleasant.