cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
go easy on yourself <3
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
[on my deathbed]
“Grandchildren…great-grandchildren. I want to give you the best advice I can offer from a life well-lived. Don’t read the comments.”
*dies*
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.