cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
who did the taste test?
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.