cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
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[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
banana peels are my favorite fall accessories
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Me buying fruit and veg
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?