cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
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[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
staying in a hotel makes me feel like the queen of the world and staying in an airbnb makes me feel like i’m secretly living in the walls of somebody’s house
Seeing ads for bras is so funny cause it’s like seeing an ad for a house. I’m only gonna buy one, maybe two in my life. Chill out
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Me: I want a book for Mother’s Day
Him: What about all the ones you haven’t read yet?
Me: How dare you
What did the dad reply to the mom who said “I’ve had enough, I’m selling my kid on eBay”?
“Don’t be silly. You made him, so sell him on Etsy.”
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!