cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
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“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
[in the bedroom]
Her: *seductively reaches towards my hair*
Me: Babe…don’t touch the bandana
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Mad Max Arctic Road
me: *emerging from a ten year coma*
dad: well look who finally got up
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
plant them where lol
