Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush

Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”

My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.

yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.

#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath

Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?

* smiles suggestively *

Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.

meow

I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!

date: so you have any hobbies?

me: i play a guitar sometimes.

date: oh i’d love to see that.

me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.

*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?

ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time

Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.

I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.

Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?

Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks

My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.

Stuffs more popcorn in my face*

Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?

I met my wife at a singles night

I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.

– alcohol

gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot