COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
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Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
yeah i ate the last 10 donuts, i don’t like a cluttered counter
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Day number 3 without coffee: Lost hearing in my left eye.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.