I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
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Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
(starts to scramble eggs)
“THESE YOLKS WON’T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”
(.0008 seconds later)
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
I’ll have a whiskey please.
“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”
Sorry, a McWhiskey.
My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*