@DrDogMD

COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

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@SarahAMoulton

I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”

@Ideal_Victoria

Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.

@peachesanscream

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

@HatfieldAnne

(starts to scramble eggs)

“THESE YOLKS WON’T BREAK! THIS IS TAKING FOREVER!”

(.0008 seconds later)

“Oh, ok.”

@misfarber

[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

@Faptually

I’ll have a whiskey please.

“Ma’am, this is McDonald’s.”

Sorry, a McWhiskey.

@Parentpains

My wife said she wished she never woke up this morning. Turns out we do have something in common.

@ThRealBallsDeep

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

@RxitWounds

Permission to use your hammer, your honor

It’s a gavel

Permission to use your gavel

Denied

*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*