COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
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A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
BECOME UNGOVERNABLE
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Perks of being an adult: Nobody will stop me from eating an entire cake.
Cons of being an adult: Nobody stopped me from eating an entire cake..
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Who called it baking and not making love
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
that colleague who touches your screen
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
Art by Pastelkatto
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.