COW: I’m constipated
DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol
C: ur doing puns right now?
DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao
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if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
We need a new term for “avoid it like the plague” because apparently people don’t do that
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
I’ll be buried in a spring-loaded coffin stuffed w/ tons of confetti. In the future some archeologist is gonna have an awesome day at work.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Moments before my plane doors closed this guy rushes on and goes “I MADE IT BOYS” and like 10 dudes scattered around the plane started cheering and he high fived them all as he went to his seat. Their boys weekend in Bozeman is about to be a feature film
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.