Cow it started Cow it’s going
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
Friendly reminder people are still stupid no matter who they vote for
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
All I’m saying is, maybe the designers of this statue could have worked a little harder to find an inspiring Rod Serling quote.
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
A safe deposit box full of whoopee cushions and rubber chickens may not appreciate in value but it may provide a much needed moment of levity during a really tense bank robbery.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
No one on the face of the planet:
Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
My Kid: Are dinosaurs real?
Me: yes but they died
Kid: why did you kill them?
M: I didn’t!
Kid: did you forget to water them like our plants
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
the most incredible thing about James Bond is the way he can walk into any hotel room and immediately know how to use the shower
never time travel on an empty stomach. I’m painfully learning that “food safety” wasn’t always a thing