Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle

we once had a detour a flight from NYC to Denver in Detroit to refuel because “we didn’t think you would bring so much stuff” to Denver…where there are mountains to ski on.

I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.

A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!

What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?

I’m that

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

I made a robot to help me argue on the internet

[interview]

employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years

me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible

employer, taking notes: okay, so…management

Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.

Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?

I only ate one meal yesterday. It just lasted for six hours.

If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.

When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.

Me: My book was translated for the UK.

Wife: They speak English.

Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.

when the doctor brings med students into your exam

What he says: Ya know, your mom is actually right.
What I hear: So, you have chosen death.

I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.

I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy

employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?

me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison

I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma

[about to go in for emergency surgery]

ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?