[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
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A wise man once said “Just one small positive thought in the morning can change your whole day”
Me: “i think i’ll stay in bed”
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
I can’t believe the 12 days of Christmas is all birds and musicians and not a single thing with potatoes anywhere.
Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
A big dipper? in this astronomy?
Girl, same.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
I eat my gummy bears 2 at a time ..no one should die alone
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My friend got a tattoo of his wife’s name so I guess he loves her as much as he loves barbed wire.
Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.