Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me *dying* no, no, no, I can’t join the afterlife with these on

[Later]
Wife: What the hell is that noise?
Son: I think that ghost is wearing flip flops

Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.

Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*

Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.

My husband found a deal on golf shoes from a Facebook ad. He was so excited bc they were so cheap. He said, “Can you BELIEVE this price?” I said, “You have to be careful of those ads, a lot are scams.”

That conversation was 8 months ago and those shoes are still in transit.

Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.

Eating wings is the opposite of flying

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

love dating someone really offline because I can blatantly pass off various other people’s tweets as my own jokes

bro my son keeps saying “in the 80s we used to…”

dude was born in 2018.

McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.

And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.

[Sporting goods store]

Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out

I have also decided to not buy Twitter.

Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.

*checks my phone to see what time it is*

[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*

[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*

“We’re taking it to another level.”

-escalators

Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.

This is bullshit!

Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.

Why is America trying to bomb the lady who lives in my iPhone she seems nice

GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me

Her Friend: How do u know

GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars

[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]

ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

mowed ⅓ of the lawn before my body remembered I haven’t exercised in 40 years

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”

Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?

After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”

Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system