Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”

The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

FRIEND: what r u watching

ME: unsolved mysteries

FRIEND: so just mysteries?

ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean

My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!

Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht

salesman: cap size?

me: i hope not

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.

I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.

I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”

This is a whole mood;

I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.

Destined to be a firefighter from birth.

[Watching Netflix]

ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.

HIM: What??

ME: What?

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.

He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.

Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.

(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name

This egg could use more egg

– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce

*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*

Put it all on Grey

Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.