Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”
Popped in on my parents and caught them watching and somewhat enjoying Big Bang Theory. I’ve never felt more betrayed.
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
lmfao
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
me, when I was a centaur and dropped a contact
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.
His name was Frank
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Yup.
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Breakfast in bed.
