Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
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If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn鈥檛 that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it鈥檚 actually super awesome
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there鈥檚 nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: 岽搬祪岬愥祼鈦贬禇
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
would鈥檝e started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
I can鈥檛 do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 馃槶
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Them: I don鈥檛 like you.
Me:
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
[grocery store]
Cashier: hi thereCustomer: hello
Stray Package of Hot Dogs Discarded By The Snickers:
Hey look I鈥檓 candy bars lol
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice