Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
You Might Also Like
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.