Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]

“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]

Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck

I threw a ball for my dog.

Extravagant, I know.

But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.

hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall

My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.

4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.

A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

I’ve never met a mistake that I couldn’t make mistakier.

He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.

Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.

My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.

“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”

For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.

I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.

Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face

Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.

Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?

Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN

what’s more important?

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

How to speak Irish…
WHALE
OIL
BEEF
HOOKED

(say it fast)

Me: Mow the lawn.

Son: I don’t want to.

Me: Me either, that’s why I’m telling you to do it.

The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.

The hubs accidentally shrunk a shirt of mine…guess I have no choice but to accidentally shrink a paycheck of his😎

At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!