Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus

*in court

😔: your honor, this is fat shaming, everyone knows you have to be naked to get your most accurate weight!

😡: You were using the scale at the grocery store!

Five Secrets of Successful People:

1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets

*waking up to dog kisses*

Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…

Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.

You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.

Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

Why is it so humiliating when you’re browsing clothes in store and an item falls off the hanger, and when you try and put it back on it’s like you’ve never used a clothes hanger before in your life

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

*Working at an Amazon warehouse is fun and not at all stressful”

proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask

me: no you can have them

If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.

FBI: oops wrong one

The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.

thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs

Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁

No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.

INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?

ME: ope i thought it said preference

[Ninja Dojo]

Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?

Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.

What to make for dinner: the chicken with the green things they hate, the chicken with the sauce they hate, or the plain chicken they hate?

The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.

7-year-old: Can we leave the house?

Me: We could go for a walk.

7: And then what?

Me: Come back to the house.

7: I’ll just stay here.

I think about this cartoon a lot.

The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.