Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.

I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone

Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.

I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply

Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.

I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”

I’m funny that way.

[aquarium]

*penguin strapped on my back*

Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?

No, it’s just a backpack.

Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!

um, fish

Such a cozy feeling to learn the reason your kid can’t sleep is because they hear whispers in their room.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw

[carrying too many items]

store clerk: would you like a basket

me: no thanks my arms are full

Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…

Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it

I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.

If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.

FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔

[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony

godzilla: *godzilla roar*

me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?

godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

*alien probing me

Me: Ok a little to the left

Alien: I SAID STOP THAT

I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.

I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?

One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.

Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.