Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
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It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
I got tricked into going for a 10 mile hike for a waterfall that ended up being 2 feet tall. Don’t talk to me.
[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.
[Lori Loughlin trial]
JUDGE: Does the defence have any witnesses?
LAWYER: We’d like to call Jesse Katsopolis
JUDGE: Isn’t he a fictional character?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: Is he just gonna act hunky and say, “Have Mercy”?
LAWYER: Yes, your honor
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
If I had a cool name like AL Gore, I would make horror films.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
#MeanwhileinCanada
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree