Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
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HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
ME: *kisses my own forehead* good night
TEAM OF DOCTORS: *furiously scribbling notes* but how
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
She’ll be coming around the Mountain when she comes. – Mountain bragging.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting
I took my dog for a walk last night and forgot something at home: the dog. I forgot the dog. Menopause is fun.
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Therapist: So what’s the problem?
Wife: He thinks he’s a flamingo.
Me: That’s it! I’m putting my foot down.
*lowers foot that was raised*