Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub

80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.

If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me

“Just so you know, you’re coming home with me tonight.” I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.

Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?

I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.

[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”

Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.

A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend

[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t

SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.

Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.

HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.

… Nailed it!

I’m awake but I object,

Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock

Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”

Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation

sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.

Met a friend from Twitter in real life and didn’t get murdered. Take that, Mom.

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife

I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3

{Annual Introverts Conference}

speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better

If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?

Me: *sound of footsteps running away*