Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Spotify keeps trying to automatically lower my volume. I’m jamming Fireboy’s album fgs, to hell with my eardrums!!!
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
That 👊
Throwing it back to 3 weeks ago today, when I came home for lunch…and I’m still here.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: *Wishes upon a star* Please, I just want the world to be a better place.
Asteroid: ON MY WAAAY!!!
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’