Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
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“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
You know you don’t have to give your bathroom a beach theme, there’s no law
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Straight people are cancelled
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?