“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
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likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
your elf on the shelf was delicious
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
It’s Mother’s Day Eve so remember to leave out a bottle of wine for Mom when she comes down the chimney.
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Not everyone thinks Cleopatra is beautiful…
But that’s how Julius Caesar.
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.