“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
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I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can’t have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced.
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Not sure if this girl I’m talking to online is real, so on our first date I’m gonna bring an image captcha for her to solve.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
I’m so full I could puke a horse
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.