Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.

imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds

Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.

Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying

Brother: They’re speaking Korean!

Mom: Shhh

Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.

her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you

him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

Got the results of my history exam.

Past.

phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?

me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Old joke:

Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”

Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”

Customer: “You did it last year.”

Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke

judge: *banging gavel* guilty

me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?

judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

me: where do I pay

doctor: on your way out

me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral

Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.

*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING

My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.

i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil

Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.

I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.

Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn

me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get

barber: ok

[later]
her: you look nice

barber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too

you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic