[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
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Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!