@Reverend_Scott

[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.

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@UnFitz

Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.

@peachesanscream

New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him 🙁 He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.

@causticbob

I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.

He asked me to pay in advance.

@Fred_Delicious

“tell me doc, is it bad news?”
“you’ve got piles”

“piles of health that is! LOL”

“except in your legs. gonna have to amputate those”

@MartaEffing

My date thinks he’s gonna get me drunk, & then get in my pants.

The joke is on him, coz my tolerance is sky high & I’m wearing a skirt.

@Tommytoughstuff

[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)

@Parkerlawyer

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

@Arrogant_Twat

Tell someone you love them today, because life is short.
But shout it at them in German, because life is also terrifying and confusing.

@breadzeppellin

My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.