[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
You Might Also Like
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Walked by a restaurant where they were using iPads for menus. How cheap are iPads now? More importantly, how expensive are menus?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience
No matter how prepared you think you are,
a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
y’all, my friend who’s a huge Elon Musk fanboy was just like “Ubers are so expensive, I wish we had bigger cars so you could put more people in them and when you split the cost it’s cheaper.” so that’s just a bus congratulations you invented buses
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭