Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
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WHY?!
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
If someone starts a sentence with “Words can’t express,” brace yourself, because they’re about to give it a hell of a try anyway!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
4-year-old: Can I have some water?
Me: Any more water & you could have an accident while sleeping.
4: Ok, then some juice should be fine.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick