Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
You Might Also Like
<—- homeless romantic
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
there should be a reverse halloween where ghosts and monsters dress up as people and knock on doors yelling “math or medicine!”
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Someone’s hair in my food: bad, disgusting, indicative of chaos behind the scenes
My own hair in my food: hey it happens, welcome home my son, spend as much time in my mouth as you need
if you think my grammar is bad you should’ve met my grampar.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
This bloke knocked on my door and asked me if I’ve considered an alternative energy supplier.
I said, ‘No thanks, I’m quite happy with food.’
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
[sees a squirrel walking, not running, out of a cemetery] sweet jesus this is how it begins
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!