Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I laughed at this way too hard.

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

Me: I’m just really tired, like, I only have enough brain power to think “where’s Kate Middleton?”
Therapist: Oh I haven’t really kept up on that
Me: OH HO HO

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?

Wife: our daughter just said shit.

Me: oh no! what do we do?

Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.

Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.

my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now

Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.

MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

Me: guess who I bumped into at the store

My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone

white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”

*heist at the louvre*

Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked

one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse

Trying to remember where I hid all of my kids’ gifts will be the real Christmas miracle.

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

Dear dads, you don’t actually have to wear athletic clothing to your kids’ games. You’re literally just going be be sitting.

*in hell*

satan: dude you gotta stop following me around

me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward

Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’

Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’

That’s incredible! 👌

me: are you cool?

my armpit: good to go

me: you sure? not itchy?

my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine

me: promise me

my armpit: dude I promise

me:

my armpit:

me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*

my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this

How to Be a Librarian:

1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH

The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

#1PUN