Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hear me out….

A pub crawl, but to bakeries.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years

every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak

[doing group photography]

ME: now let me take one without the flash

THE FLASH: what the-

REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.

marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down

I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”

All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does

my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)

Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers

As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.

Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*

Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.

sure we’re surviving 2019

but at what cost

COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*

6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.

If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?

[dropping my bf off at the airport]

Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much

Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!

Me: wait wha-

Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!

Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.

Dad at the park told me he thinks the age gap between my kids was a bad idea and seemed too hard. He says the age gap between his kids was better. Very helpful thank you!

Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?

Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?

Fact: Children can hear at a higher frequency than adults.

How no one has developed an effective child-repellant yet is beyond me.