Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cake is mightier than the sword.

If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer

Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.

My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it

Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped

imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.

Oh to be a 1998 baby

✔️ first memory is 9/11

✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008

✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.

Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on

Do one person every day that scares you.

Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume that he’s either a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again

[Morgan Freeman narrating my life]

*extended period of silence*

“What the hell am I supposed to do with this…”

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Whitesnake: I want a superstitious woman with a superstitious mind

Me: *faceplants across the hood of my Focus* Did you know 6 ravens must remain at the Tower of London at all times or the crown will fall?

Whitesnake: Not you

Hey maybe the dark matter in the universe is actually all the money that is owed to freelancers.