COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
You Might Also Like
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
When I die bury me with a whole mess of buffalo wings so future archaeologists will think I was some crazy human – chicken hybrid.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
[undercover as a mom]
Me: my little Timmy is 6 years old now
Other moms: *narrow eyes*
Me: *sweating* i meant uh, 72 months
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
Me trying to walk in a dream
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.