Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
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[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
I could start my day without coffee, but I like to say words, and put on clothes
me, after any kind of buffet.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*