Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I avoided Twitter yesterday because it’s full of misinformation but the first Tik Tok I opened was like “SOMEBODY TRIED TO UNALIVE TRUMP WITH A PEW PEW!!”

Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.

Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!

sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone

My 5yo’s teacher wore a Slytherin t-shirt to school and now I’m concerned about the type of magic my son might be learning

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”

You want my advice? Okay, I’ll give you advice. Never, ever, EVER startle a skunk.

(I was sprayed by a skunk last night.)

(And THEN my son was sprayed while helping ME after I was sprayed.)

(It was like a children’s book gone horribly wrong.)

If you ever lose your dog just open up a bag of chips.

I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.

Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”

I voted for the candidate on the last yard sign I saw before pulling in. Slow children at play will lead us into the future.

A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it

Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.

Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…

this… may be the greatest story ever told

Person: you only live once

Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day

Me: I’ve always wanted to stare at someone from across the street then disappear when a bus passes

Interviewer: I meant more like “professional goals”

[buying groceries]

me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?

Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not

[1 year later]

Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong

Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:

6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”

Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”

6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”

Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”

Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”

Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?

Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.

H: Which episode?

M: The one with the dance contest.

H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….

The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.

If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives

the dark web is just a goth google.

4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.

Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship

Him: You’ll be sorry

Me: I sure hope so