90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
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Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Did this writing exercise where you write 300 words about a place without using any adjectives. It’s actually pretty easy if you’re not sure what an adjective is.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
People who say “in and of itself” are responsible for most of the trouble in the world.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.