Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
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I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
A router goes into a doctor’s office and says, “It hurts when IP.”
I’m not starting a presentation with “ladies and gentlemen” I’m using the gender neutral “to those who heed my warnings”
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
happy halloween
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
ME: my contract says I can work from home
BOSS: *pushes me out the door* not at mine
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Tupperware is filing for bankruptcy. They would have kept a lid on the news but they couldn’t find one.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u r not responding
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.