Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

every Crock-Pot recipe:

– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low

When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself.

Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.

My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.

when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.

Technically, the Friday after July 4 isn’t a holiday.

But I think we all know that Americans have a constitutional right to take the fifth.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.

Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!

EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate

I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume

As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”

Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no

Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.

Me: He was stressed

Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk

Me: I was stressed

Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”

Me: Could be anyone…

The biggest mystery of our time

My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”

Ooooh. That’ll show me.

Ocean’s 45:

The group gets bigger each heist

It’s too hard to keep secrets

Someone posts the next plan on Facebook

Everyone goes to jail

“Rock. Paper. Scissors.” – terrible surgeon

My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes

[Review]

Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*

Me: A car!

B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*

M: Well, a card’s still cool.

B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.

M: Ok, I’m a medium.

B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.

Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?