cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
You Might Also Like
[in bed]
Me: Don’t you love being on top?
Date: *peering down from top bunk* this isn’t what I had in mind
Me: shhh, you’re gonna wake my mom
Me: I’ve found a needle in the haystack! Only took 3 hours.
Her: no this is a 3/4 inch, I need a 5/8’s.
Me: *begins searching again* you really need a better place to store these.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Apparently being able to recite every word of the song ‘Shoop’, wasn’t part of the skill set they were looking for at this job interview.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
when you’re trying to sneak out and grab the amazon package first thing in the morning but your neighbor spots you
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick