Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?

Stop attacking me with reasonable advice

I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.

This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?

Enters supermarket with a long list.

Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.

[Jesus on the cross]

*texts with 1 hand* “um dad y hav u 4saken me wtf”

*5 hrs pass*

“new phone. who dis?”

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing

[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”

Seductively rubs salt in your wound.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.

Two
Three
Four
Tell the people what she wore…

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.

Me: inside me there are two wolves

Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??

ME: You’re making me rock hard.

MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?

ME:

11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.

Me: What was it testing?

11: My patience.

Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’

Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

I only buy cookware with the handles that somehow get hotter than the pot itself

Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people

I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.

Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.

I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently

My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.

How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.