coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
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I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
People watching you so close, you’d think you were a Netflix series.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
So I used to wonder about people that paid a fortune for those little bottles of Evian water until I read it backwards…
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
They should invent a self-checkout where someone else scans the items and puts them in a bag.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar