coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
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but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
The morning after pill, but for tweets
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
I’m listening
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
My son’s name is Miller if you were wondering if I like beer.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I can’t believe that as a kid, I was excited about being an adult. Kids are stupid.
Saturday
