coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
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Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
seems fine
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
smartest karate player in the world
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.