Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test

7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?

Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”

Her: I don’t know the future

[going out]

other moms: have fun, be safe!

my mom: I don’t want to see you on Dateline later

neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”

[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]

day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenser

day 4563: wahey! water dispenser

There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.

Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.

“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”

My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination

Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*

Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!

Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?

Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”

Him: My tummy feels crummy.

Me: Too much rummy, dummy.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

Husband: can I have a taste?

Me, mouth full of red velvet cake: it’s really spicy you won’t like it

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

store clerk: can I help you find anything

me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*

me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything

her: sure

me: why

I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.

It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.

*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*

stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body

10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s