Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
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“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Me: *smugly* I couldn’t name any Taylor Swift Songs
Them: I think she already named them.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Hmmmmm
I don’t think we should be adding any new states to the US until we fix whatever the fuck is wrong with New Jersey
Waitress shouted after me for not paying and like an idiot I said, “you too!”
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Worth the read.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.