Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

High Schools: Make sure your student gets plenty of sleep

Also High Schools: Bus comes at sunrise

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.

her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?

me: it’s the little things that count

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

[Camping]

Her: You didn’t bring food?

Him: No

Her: Or toilet paper?

Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work

*checks Timeline*…

but that was my emotional support daylight

Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.

Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.

Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

“no gods no masters” = leo

If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.

Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken

Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken

Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book

Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.

me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos

The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.

HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks

ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.