Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
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boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
The name Sir Mix-a-lot sounds like he would be better at baking than rapping
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
one of
Whenever I destroy an ant hill with the leaf blower, I imagine the footage of the terrible blownado being shown on ant tv the next morning.
Therapist: so… that’s not a metaphor? you literally live in a maze?
Minotaur: well yeah, I- wait is that bad? why are you writing
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper