Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
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“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
So I was passing the bus stop today when I heard a young fella brag to this girl that he doesn’t do afraid. Just as I past them I quickly turned around to him and said Boo. It turns out he does do afraid. 😂😂😂😂
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist
Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
Me: I heard it’s 80 degrees already.
CW: My phone says 81.
Me: Ya know, someday I’m going to eat a hot dog right over your grave.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
Only you can prevent podcasts
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.