[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
cats when you pet them too long:
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
Interior designer.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Siri just told me that traffic is light and I can make it home in 7 minutes. I am home. Where tf does she think we’re at right now.
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Years ago my wife and I were on an early date in a Chinese restaurant when a guy came over and said to me: “Can you shut up? You’ve got a very loud voice”. I said: “My girlfriend has very poor hearing. Isn’t that right?” And to her enormous credit she replied: “WHAT?”
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
coming to theaters soon: Dawn of the Rise of the Dawn of the Planet of the Rise of the Rise of the Dawn of the Apes
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.