[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
“Don’t make eye contact, honey. We don’t want any trouble with them.”
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
Lie during your job interview because they’re lying to you about their great work environment
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
when revenge coincides with naptime
{time travels back to 1984} yeh i’m looking for a guy named *checks notes* baby hitler.
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
BRITISH COMPANY: *gives free estimates*
AMERICAN COMPANY: *gives free estifriends*
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.