Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.
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Why is there a wolf on Wall Street. Animals are bad with money. My cat just lost $80 at high-stakes uno
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Judge: your word is cartograph
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: the world cartograph has seven seas
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese