My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
detective: could you please describe the man who assaulted you
me: [first day as a police sketch artist but i lied on my resume and can only draw popeye] uh oh
victim: well he had large forearms
me: oh thank christ
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage