coworker asked me if I needed a hug and now he doesn’t work here because people that are on fire can’t work.

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*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*


A “lady” and a “woman” are exactly the same thing unless they are prefaced with cat.


Just found out my wife’s been mad at me for three days and I hadn’t noticed. She forgave me and I had to act like I was grateful and not bewildered


If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom


You’re doing really well now please pull into this liquor store do you want anything?

-Me as a Drivers Ed teacher


Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.


“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale


Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.


“Babe I’m ready for bed”

“Why so early its the weekend?”

“Next up Channel 6 News reveals Ashley Madison’s local business men”