[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
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[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
Effort made
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.