Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
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There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
*shows up at your hot dog convention wearing nothing but mustard and a smile.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
🙋♀️
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves