Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
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I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked years ago.
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
They say Stouffer’s family-size lasagna serves 6.
Challenge accepted. [grabs fork]
ok like just. call me at this point
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
[on a date with a european]
Hmmm fascinating. Can you tell me about what 400 year old blood feuds your family is involved in?
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Overhead an older lady telling her friend that she has “no faith in St. Martin” and I think more saints should be subject to user reviews
Good morning!
It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”