Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named

[texting]

ME: I like you, I think you’re cute

MY CRUSH: oh um

ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that

“Holy infant so tender and mild.”

-cannibals

When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.

Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.

I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.

Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.

My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”

Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.

hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-

Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.

you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner

KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?

KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.

My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.

Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.

Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:

“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”

Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea

For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.

I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.

My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?

Me: Well I had diarrhea that day

Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?

Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day