Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
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8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Floating in a sensory deprivation tank is a pretty good indication it’s not working out outside the womb
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
I’ve just told my doctor I have all the Monkey Pox symptoms. He asked me to swing by tomorrow.
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.