Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
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Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!