Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever

[knock on door]

JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?

ME (hates gossip): no

For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”

Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom

[putting an old car in reverse] oh this takes me back

i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean

interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years

me: you handing me an nda and a big pay out to walk away

angel: whatcha making?

god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel

do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me

A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here

Judge: I’d like to call recess.

Defense Attorney: *running with hands in air* I call the slide!

Bailiff: *still zipping coat* Wait for me.

My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.

Love bombing?

I’ve never even been love water ballooned

[having sex]

me: *finishing first* I win again!

wife: you really don’t

*calls restaurant*

Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?

Host: Of course it is sir

*hangs up*

[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry

Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.

Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.

I’m trying to avoid the limelight.

[job interview]

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My honesty”

“I don’t think-”

“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”

I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.

the beatles: all you need is love

haddaway: I have a question

I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.

Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for