Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?

WWE is French for “yes”

just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

[feeding the cat]

Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.

Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.

Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.

Cat: I’m really hurt.

Me:

Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.

Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.

I think it’s funny when people talk about the placement of a hair part being in or out of style, like thanks for the info but my hair does not involve me in any of its decision making processes.

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.

‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”

– probiotic

“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”

– amateur biotic

I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.

I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.

Business is booming.

Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.

my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers

Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?

Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.

Him: So tell me a little about yourself.

Me: But this was going so well…

15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.

Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?

Hitler

the short answer to this question

The One that Got Away… a memoir of a french fry lost in a crevice beside the driver’s seat and the aroma that made it impossible to forget.

[First day working in a warehouse]

ME: What’s that machine for?

“Oh, that’s the forklift”

ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??

“I can’t lie to you”

You suck at lying, don’t blame that shit on me

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.