Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
here we go again
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
as a baby i drank gin and now i eat pine trees no problem. my brother on the other hand, didnt start drinking gin til he was 22 and everyday he struggles eating his pine tree
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
{4 way stop}
Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
At some point I need to admit my ‘guilty pleasure’ music taste is just my music taste now
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.