Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
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The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
To the person that stole my glasses.
I will find you, I have contacts.
No you shut up 😂🥳
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
TV led me to believe there would always be a potted plant to hide behind when needed.
Alas, this is not so.
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
23andMe got hacked and now strangers are trying to get into my genes.
Amazon Review Guide
⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating
“Santa isn’t real” ok, I literally just saw him at the mall
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*