Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.

when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient

I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave

Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.

In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

“Can you describe your self in two words?”

– Lazy.

My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.

Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.

well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high

Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.

idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?

My bank account: Yes

The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.

4: can I have a snack?

Me: it’s almost time for dinner.

4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.

I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager

[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?

Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…

my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch

I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”

Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses

Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look