Coworker: Cute dress!
Me: Really, thank you, I got up late and forgot I had to wash my hair and then I saw it hanging on the outside of my closet and didn’t have time to grab anything else and it probably looks like a floral potato sack nightmare nightgown
Coworker: [avoids me]
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Boeing astronauts racking up that sweet overtime.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[Wizard of Oz characters Now]
Scarecrow: professor
Tin Man: fell in love
Lion: public speaker
Toto: still blessing the rains down in africa
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
wife: are you wearing my clothes?!?
me: ok I know this looks bad
me: it needs a belt right?
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
I’ve shouted so much sporting advice from my sofa already this summer. It’s very tiring but hopefully it’s helping.
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
Just heard about a magician in 1990 who tried burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete and was completely astonished when he ended up burying himself alive under six feet of dirt and wet concrete.
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
I drive my brother’s BMW because I can only afford to borrow a midlife crisis.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
