Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.

I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.

“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.

[Road trip]

me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on

kids: it’s just a blank CD

me: SHHH

What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?

HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar

the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed

[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]

For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.

To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?

3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?

Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!

Her: Does that dog actually play chess?

Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.

*Dog Barks

Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.

[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]

VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?

ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.

Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.

[1st date]

Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…

Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.

Me: You first, pal.

By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.

This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”

thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.

We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.

Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Seriously. Very seriously.

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.