Coworker: did you get a tan?
Me (fell asleep in my spaghetti last night): yes thank you for noticing, Ethan
You Might Also Like
I feel it
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
– Are you suuure there’s nothing to eat?
-One moment, let me check my bra
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
THE TOP TEN WORDS OF 2012!!
1. End
2. Of
3. Year
4. Top
5. Ten
6. Lists
7. Are
8. Exercises
9. In
10. Stupidity
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
I don’t know what I was expecting but, it was not that 😁
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
“HingeX subscribers go on 3x more dates” cool so what is 0 times 3
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.